Invisible me

Who would have thought that I could be come invisible. I never did. When I imagined my life I really thought that I was going to do something great and wonderful. I was going to live a Loud life. Honestly the years have quieted my loud life to nothing. I sit in my own home and I am invisible. He sits with his phone and his computer because the tweeting and the gaming is more important then me. Why does he love me? Why is he here? We don't even have sex anymore. Who would have thought that this would have happened to me? I don't know why I stay. More and more I debate what to do. When he is present and here he reminds me of all the things I love about him, once more I become visible. Those times are becoming more and more infrequent. I pray for a new day, where we can be happy again. Where it would be like before, where I was number one, where I meant something, where I was visible to him because he wanted to see me. Maybe tomorrow. I pray for tomorrow.

How sad am I ?

Looking out of the window in the shower, I felt trapped, like happiness was out there on the path that I could see from the window.

I cried out to be on the path, but nothing. I was trapped, chained to my life, where I can do nothing right. As hard as I try to make everyone around me happy, to do the right things, I crash and burn.

I wish I could really be that person that is perfect, she juggles, work and home and children and relationships like it was nothing, no matter how hard I try I never come close.

The irony of  it all the one thing I want the most I will never be able to obtain and that makes me so sad.

Why am I here? What is my purpose?So here is my prayer.... God can you please help me, help me to change and be better, help me to not fail. Please help me.

New Year

Unfortunately I have been sick for the first week of the New Year. Tell me, why get a Flu shot if you still get the flu? Today is the first day I feel better. Just get tired really quick. If this is the tone for my year, I might as well pack it in now. Good News though, not one cigarette!! Yeah

Happy New Year!!

So 2011 started with a special kiss. At midnight, I rang in the New Year sharing it with someone, and after 10 long years I was finally kissed at midnight, it was very special at the time, to bad less than five months later we were broken up.  Another failed relationship I thought but then the year took a turn for the interesting when JG walked into my life. This year is different, a quiet night at home with the JG and the dogs. Not quite what I had in mind, but last year was perfect and promising and it only led to disaster, so maybe not what I expected is better.

So what do I want for 2012?

1.  I want not to smoke.
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2. I want to get married.

3. I want to loose 40 lbs.

4. I want to be financially secure.

5. I want to figure out my life and be happy and peaceful.

So as midnight ekes closer I reflect on this past year and begin to look forward to the next and had my last cigarette.   I wait for my kiss at midnight and I am hopeful.

And to the Universe I pray peace, love and prosperity for all in 2012.